My best friend felt betrayed by something I did, because I didn’t behave “as a friend should do”.
At least, this is what I heard from other common friends, because he unilaterally decided to stop talking to me.
Ironically, this is exactly the opposite thing I thought a friend should do. To refuse to talk and work out together the inevitable problems that life brings.
This hit me hard and, for a long period of time, I asked myself: What should a friend do?
I doubt that there is an answer for it. What I know is that friendship is too complex to be able to define it, and probably means something different for each of us. It is intimately related to our culture, our life experiences and our deepest emotional needs. And all these make for very particular perceptions of friendship. Time also made me understand that, even if I do what I believe is correct, and I do it with care, I may harm people. In this case, something my friend was not expecting to happen.
So, the matter was not about “what a friend should do” but about “what my friend expected I should do”.
And basing our friendship on expectations without being willing to work in our own issues looks like a fragile kind of “friendship”. Usually, even our own ‘needs’ and ‘wants’ remain obscure to us until life decides to reveal them. So, if we don’t even know what we want, imagine trying to guess what other people’s ‘needs’ and ‘wants’… But more importantly, even if guessing what other people needs was possible, keeping continuous watch on what the other person may think about what I should do is not the kind of friendship I want to cultivate. Just thinking about living to the expectations of others makes me feel bad, something inside me gets anxious, and completely rejects it. My body just refuses to do it.
I believe that our expectations are our own responsibility, derived from our belief system and from our way of looking the world. When something external doesn’t meet these expectations, it is our duty to change ourselves, not to try that to bend the world to our wildest ideas, just to comfort us. Let me go further. Consider the fact that we all have multiple unconscious expectations. This is something inevitable, because we humans, in higher or lower degree, operate with beliefs and dogmas. Given the complexity of life, this means that it is a matter of time that something or someone will surprise and/or disappoint us.
Moreover, we tend to interact more, share more experiences and deeper intimacies with our friends and loved ones. We also wear fewer masks and defenses with them, we share more difficult moments… So, there is a higher chance that we are going to end up harming each other.
It is as if mutual suffering is an essential part of any good relationship. A part of the process that we must accept and learn to deal with.
And this is precisely why courage, willingness, strength and having a rich set of emotional tools is so important to grow and maintain good relationships.
This doesn’t mean that we must be able to endure every need every friend has. Sometimes is just about accepting that some friendships, at a given moment, are not possible. Or that we can love in the distance, where we can ensure that our needs and our friends’ do not clash.
Chances are that, due to our life circumstances, emotional burdens and preferences, the kind of friendship you need and the one I need are different. We all have some trigger points and particular areas that are too painful to deal with, or at least we may not be ready to deal with them with the ease that other people can. Sometimes, good relationships are precisely those that learn to deal with them. Accommodating the preferences of a person with the deepest needs of another one, or dancing with our mutual wounds. But there are some relationships that, due to its nature, will be too painful to experience, too much stress to handle or way over what we can adapt to.
It seems that my relationship with my old friend was one of them. Even if we once thought we knew each other very well, our blind spots remained obscure, only time to make to reveal them. I now can start to understand his needs, but as I don’t seem to agree with his interpretation of friendship, I can’t be the kind of friend he needs. I hope that he finds someone who is able to accompany him better than I was able to do, and he can eventually get over the issues that didn’t let us keep growing together.
The good thing about the pain of losing a very good friend is that it helped me clarify more what can and want to offer to my friends.
So, my friends, I take full responsibility about my issues, put my best intention, my best competence to understand, accompany and take care of you, but always respecting my own limitations. And when I harm you, my best effort to dig into the issue and find a solution together.
For me, friendship is the willingness to walk the uncertain path of life more or less together, and make the necessary changes to take care about our mutual needs and potentiate our preferences.