Heavy rain was falling, the ground was shaking, and I was alone, scared to the bones.
“Why are you scared? Nothing is going to happen,” kept repeating to myself.
But this, instead of relaxing me, it was making things worse.
Yes, rationally analyzed, the chances of something bad happening were ridiculously small. But fear is not rational, and trying to force reason into my emotions felt more like a punishment than relief.
I tried to sleep, I did breathing exercises to calm myself down, used every trick I had that could help me feel safer and more protected… But nothing worked. I was completely alert, my nervous system was in fight or flight mode and I almost jumped to the smallest noise out there.
Over the years, my main way of dealing with fear was applying the training mindset. Expose yourself to a little bit of stress, and with proper rest, fear can be overcome, as the body adapts and overcompensates it. In fact, it became one of my principles to deal with challenges and difficulties of every kind. I did so when I wanted to improve my athletic results, to work on exciting projects, to overcome my childhood shyness, to explore other cultures and beautiful places around the world…
But this time, it was too much to handle.
My inner drive to “grow” by exposing myself to hard things was working against me. Because my mind had apparently decided what “hard” should look like. My ego rationalized the situation as low-risk, and didn’t want to accept that I was scared, that it was too hard for me and that I couldn’t handle it.
Several hours have passed and nothing had changed. I was alone, I couldn’t sleep and, if any, I was feeling even worse. Scared, nervous, vulnerable and desperate, I could only foresee a very long and tiring night ahead.
“Stop disciplining your child, listen to what he needs.” The words of one of the wisest person I know struck me.
This made me realize that it was my inner child that was screaming in desperation and that my ego was torturing him using reason trying to force the child’s needs into his self-image. When I finally understood what was happening, I could create some space for my inner conversation to evolve:
“Don’t worry, I am with you, nothing is going to happen,” my ego tried to comfort my child.
“Don’t treat me like an idiot, don’t try to calm me down saying that nothing is going to happen,” answered angry. “Shit happens all the time, and you can’t know for certain that nothing is going to happen”.
“You are right, - looking down humbled - shit happens all the time, but… what do you want me to say?” answered, accepting his impotence.
“Just stop trying to convince me about anything! Tell me the truth and be with me, that’s it!,” shouted in surprise, as if he had been repeating it zillions of times.
“OK… I understand…” said while started crying. “I am also scared… let’s be scared together.”
“Yes, please.” Answered the child, feeling comforted.
“Sorry for letting you down so many times, sorry for trying to force your feelings… I was being a tyrant - sobbing - I didn’t know what to do. From now on, we are together, and if something horrible happens, we will face it together”.
This is when everyone in the room started crying together, my ego, my child and, for the first time, I could also notice my inner adolescent. But these were not tears of desperation as before, but of happiness, tears of reunion, with a felling of being at home and a sense of never being alone again.
And with a strong and caring inner hug, I immediately fell asleep.
The following days, as my adventure continued, my inner relationships kept improving. Being alone, in uncomfortable, uncontrolled situations was a great way to surface and observe my deepest fears and demons. Over the days, could detect earlier when my old pattern arose and kept improving my inner conversations. I found another way to love myself better, what a boost for my confidence that was!
In later reflection, I realized that this was not the first time that I tried to overrun myself. Competitive athletic training showed me that it is not my ego who decides how much training I can handle. Sometimes, willpower may be the limiting factor, but for highly motivated people, it rarely is. For years, I tried to overrun physical pain and suffering. A very good strategy to get injured. In this case, I was trying to overrun my deepest emotional needs. A very good strategy to get traumatized…
Growth has many forms & ways. The training mindset is a great tool to have, but be careful with the motives for using it, don’t let it become the ‘torturing mindset’. Sometimes we just need to listen and hug our fears, without trying to change them. Paradoxically, it is then when they can start to fade away.
I am sure that you have plenty of strength to handle hardship. At the end of the day, you are a human living in a difficult world. But, are you strong enough to present vulnerable to yourself?
Dare to try!